I am going on my third year of being free from self harm and it is absolutely amazing for the most part. There are moments where I do want to go and cut myself but I have found ways to deal with those urges and feeling.

It doesn’t bother me as much now to go out in public with shorts and a tank top on (in the summer of course) as it did when I was self harming or after I made the decision to stop. Working with kids is sometimes hard because some will ask what happened and my response is I got hurt. I mostly work with kids birth to age 5 so for the 3 to 5 year olds that ask saying I got hurt is something that they kind of understand and most times they don’t ask how I got hurt which is good. My cousin on the other hand every time she sees me she asks about it and I tell her (every time she asks) that it’s a conversation that we can have when she is much older.

When I go to see doctor’s that know I have a history of self-harm and depression, they make it a point to ask me if I have or felt suicidal which the answer is always, no. I understand why they ask but I always tell them that I see my therapist once a week and I have her cell number in case of an emergency. This shows that I have a plan in place and often puts them at ease. Going to doctor’s that I don’t know (like urgent care or Emergency) I tend to keep my arms and legs covered unless I absolutely can’t. If they ask about it I tell them that I have been clean for 2 years and I see a therapist every week. If they continue to talk or focus on that I tend to get really pissed off and will blatantly say “I didn’t come here for you to lecture me about what I used to do I came here for you to examine my current complaint.” Most times after that redirect they stop but if they don’t that’s when my mom will usually step in and if needed we request for a different doctor. If it is a doctor who is a specialist in whatever condition I need to be seen for, if they choose to go on and on about the fact that I used to self harm and have depression, we usually just cut the appointment short and leave and never go back.

I try not to let my past history bother me too much because if I do then I am just going to be a bitter person who hates everyone. So many people stare and give judgmental looks and if I didn’t just brush it off and live my life I wouldn’t want to leave my house. There are times when I will start conversations with strangers about the fact that I used to self harm and tell them we all go through things that leave scars, mine just happen to be on my body visible for people to see.