ED Relapse

So for the past month or so I have been really struggling with body image and eating. There were days that I would eat anywhere from 350-600 calories and other days where I would eat the recommended 1,200 calories exercising with both. But after having surgery to remove my lymph node I was not able to be active because it caused me pain to walk. Also my mom wouldn’t let me go swimming even though my surgeon said that I could swim 5 days post-op. He told my mom Monday (11 days post-op) that it would be fine for me to swim. The news I received from my surgeon was not the greatest (I’m not at the point of actually sharing what it is but after I meet with another doctor next week and know more, I’ll decide then).

Today when I went to follow up with my PCP for my hand (the reason I haven’t been able to make posts) she told me that I had gained a lot of weight in the past 2 months. One thing we never talked about was my weight because she was aware that I have an eating disorder. My blood pressure was high 132/82 but that’s mostly because she had just told me that I gained a lot of weight. I was frustrated with that and I was already anxious. 132/82 with me being frustrated and anxious is not that high. She then proceeded to tell me that I need to make healthier food choices (which I already do). So when I left her office and got in my car, I just cried for a good 5 minutes. I just felt so bad about myself.

I then proceeded to go to the store to buy the same weight loss pills that I did before when I relapsed, plus one that I hadn’t tried before but had good reviews. It wasn’t a completely conscious decision but I felt like I had to do it. I took them when I got home and about an hour after I made lunch because I was hungry but I made sure of calories and serving size.

After I ate, I had the feeling that I have most often after eating anything except negative calorie foods, I need to purge. I usually I am able to ignore it and move on with my day, but this time I couldn’t. I just felt disgusting.

I struggled with my self for about 5 minutes trying to decide whether or not I wanted to. Then like second nature I purged. I know that if I directly told any of my friends that I purged they would just tell me how bad it is for me and that I should stop. But what a lot of them realize is that there’s only so much that I have control over. When they tell me “just eat a smaller portion size or eat a salad” well I’ve tried that before and I still feel like purging and I have purged that too.

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What this means for me right now:

As of right now I am probably not going to eat for the rest of today or I will eat minimally and I relapsed and I don’t know how far this will go. It could just be one day and I move on with life pre-relapse or I could go back down into the hole of an eating disorder. With my past history with purging I purged at least twice a week and used laxatives fairly often after meals. I have already started to become concerned with calories, fat, and sodium content, and I created a list of foods that I should eat and exercises and how many calories they burn. I’m at a point where I really don’t care if I fully relapse.

 

My Biggest Fear

About a month ago I went on a women’s retreat with my mom and mentioned in another post that there were some unwanted feelings that arose. So (finally) here’s the story of that. During our small group time that Saturday morning I totally zoned out. I was not super engaged with what was discussed in the session because I was half asleep (it was to early in the morning) and and it just was not interesting for me. So my mind wandered off while everyone else in the group was answering questions. My daydream that I am going to tell you about is super SUPER CHEESY and in my opinion really stupid (I have warned you)!!

So in this daydream I got a phone call from one of my friends saying that I needed to go to the hospital right away as the guy I like was in critical condition. I was not told what happened so I have no clue but they he was in a medically induced coma. So of course I went and I asked his parents if I could just be alone with him for like 5 minutes. I just talked about how much fun we had that summer and that I missed seeing him. I sat down next to him and held his hand and told him that I loved him. He squeezed my hand and mouthed “I love you too” and then he flat lined.

Now that we know about how far my mind wanders when I daydream and how cheesy it can be lets talk about how this relates to my biggest fear. I am terrified by being hurt by someone who I am supposed to be able to trust. But that’s because it’s happened before. I was seven and I was sexually assaulted. I have contemplated so many times whether or not I wanted to publicly say this. Sometimes I don’t feel like it even happened because when I told my parents they didn’t believe me. Because no one told me that what happened was wrong it really didn’t bother me that much. I would occasionally be very uncomfortable around groups of people and I would feel like something was off. But as I got older and learned that what happened was not okay I started to have panic attacks and feared that it would happen again. I didn’t try to talk to my parents about this until just about 2 years ago. My mom said that she didn’t remember me telling her anything about being sexually abused. This really hurt. Because I clearly remember the coversation we had. She was sitting at the kitchen table and she wouldn’t let me go outside and play with my friends because I was acting weird. So I told her what happened and she said okay and made me feel as if what I had just said was an utter and complete lie. My parents never believed what I said they always took my brothers words over mine so it was not a shock. I just felt like if she didn’t believe me then it didn’t happen.

So finally it got to a point where I could not handle it anymore and I finally told therapist number 3 and she told me that I needed to tell my mom. I guess this time she believed me a little more but still did not want to acknowledge that it happened. I wanted to go on a mission trip and there was a question about abuse on there and I asked her what I should do and she told me that I was not allowed to write it on there. It was not until therapist number 5 that she really began to accept it because that therapist made it clear to her that it did happen and she has to be there for me. But with therapist number 5 I told her when we first started that I did not want to about the abuse at all because that’s all the therapist that I saw before her focused on. It made me uncomfortable because she was pushing a topic that I was not sure how to handle and I was not in anyway ready to talk to her about it. I had only seen her 2 times and she felt that it was time to dive right on in to my history of abuse when I really didn’t even know who she was. Therapist number 5 was actually therapist number 4’s supervisor and I started seeing her because she felt that she would be a better fit and realized that I would be a challenge. So therapist number 5 knew that I was sexually assaulted and knew that I did not want to talk about it, but after a few months she began to slowly and subtly prod and I gave in. I finally began to accept what happened and that it was not okay. But I still feel like it was my fault. I should’ve done more to get my parents to believe me or I should’ve told someone else or I should’ve just kept quiet about it.

So I’m afraid of being assaulted again. Whenever I have to go somewhere alone I have a constant fear that I am going to be abducted and assaulted. This is why when I go to college I am going to avoid going to parties and walking alone. I am seven times more likely to be assaulted again, which is scary. Because it could be by someone I don’t know or by someone that I chose to be in a relationship with. So far the guys that I like or that I am close friends with respect woman and people in general. But that doesn’t eliminate or even diminish my fear at all.

Over a year ago a man named Brock Turner raped the unconscious body of a woman who had no say in the story of what happened. The blame was pushed on her, that she wanted it and that she drank too much. But he made the choice to rape her and then lie about it to make him seem innocent. But now he has been found guilty and people are looking at him as the victim now. He in no way is the victim. 6 months is his sentence and he will most likely only serve 3 months which is a slap on the wrist. His parents are defending him even though he is clearly guilty. This scares me because it’s 2016 and people are still saying it’s the victims fault for being raped.

Currently I show symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I’m working through it with my therapist. We are doing Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT) and it is easily the most awkward and uncomfortable thing I will do.

For any of you reading this, males and females, who have suffered from sexual assault or sexual abuse, you did not deserve it and don’t let it define you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Report it. Process it. Talk with someone about it when YOU are ready. Don’t push healing because it takes time and it’s hard. Stay strong.

Don’t Look Up

I’ve heard the phrase “Don’t look down” so many times that I’ve lost count. Most of the time it is associated with heights but I’ve always done the opposite when it comes to heights, I always look down.

Last night (June 9th) was my choir banquet and senior showcase. I decided that I wanted to do a solo as it will probably be my last time performing other than in our kids ministry at church. I sang the song ‘Your Song’ by Elton John and played my guitar instead of using an mp3 track or having someone else accompany me. The last few times I have done solos or performed in general I knew people were looking at me but I couldn’t see their faces and they were not 3 feet in front of me either.

So I started playing and singing and I got through the first verse. Then, I looked up. I looked up and saw faces of people staring at me and taking pictures and videos. My mind blanked and my fingers continued to play and I hoped that my brain would catch up and figure it out but the my fingers stopped. No music and no sounds from anyone. I laughed nervously and then thought I would just start again but I still could not remember the words or the chords. So I had the music with the chords in my guitar bag so I asked the parent that was our sound guy for the night for the music that was in the front of my bag. I looked at my choir teacher who was sitting right in the front and mouthed “should I just start over?” and of course he nodded yes. I’m so happy that my choir is such a supportive group because I probably would not have tried again.

So I started over and the main thing I did differently was, I didn’t look up. I got through it and people told me that I did great and they had never heard me sing and continued to compliment me. But even after I was finished, I still didn’t want to look up. I am not the person who walks with their head high and confident. I am the person who will sit alone on their phone at a party because I feel that they won’t see me and I will stay unnoticed. I don’t like being recognized for achievements or for the work that I do. Not because I’m overly humble, but because I simply don’t like the attention and most times I feel like I don’t deserve it. I can pretend to be confident and outgoing but it’s really a mask that I wear and a character that I play. I’m basically Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but on a much more mild level.

I was told that starting over is something that takes a lot of strength and guts but I don’t feel that way for me at all. I felt that was an expectation. I also felt that running off and hiding was not going to help anything either.

When I look up it means that I have to pretend that I am someone I am really not

When I look up it means making eye contact and having a conversation

When I look up it, it honestly scares me

Looking down it what is natural

Looking down means I often go unnoticed and fly under the radar

Looking down, makes me feel safe

When I look up, I often forget what I have to say (or sing in some cases)

Looking up gives me anxiety

Looking up forces me to know there is another face looking back at me

If I look down I can pretend there is no one around me

People think that when I look down I am going to miss what is happening around me, but that is only partially true. I often find myself being more in tune with my surroundings. I hear peoples conversations, I still see current events, I am fully aware and not missing anything unless it was purely all visual. Looking down allows me to pretend that things said to me aren’t actually directed towards me. If someone gives me a dirty look, I don’t have to see it, therefore it does not get to have an effect on me. If someone calls me a rude name I can ignore it more so than if they were to be making eye contact and saying it right to my face.

Keeping my head down is what I prefer to do because I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to be complimented. And I surely don’t want people to feel sorry for me because it makes me uncomfortable. Keeping my head down allows me to avoid all of this. Maybe one day walking around with my head high and walking confidently will no longer be an act/mask. But for now it will continue to be a mask or an act that I put on just to make it around other people. Sometimes it’s okay to look down, rather than looking up.