Why Should I Live?

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I hope you enjoy this poem.

 

It is a question I’ve pondered many many times

Why should I not take my own life?

All I hear back are the words of others.

“Suicide is selfish. Think of all of the people you are going to hurt”

“What will this do to your family and friends”

“You’re going to tear everyone apart”

Oh and may favorite one

“I need you to stay alive”

What is it exactly you need me to stay alive for?

Last time I checked you can do everything to survive on your own.

Do you need me around so you can tell me how miserable things are for you

And then to completely ignore me because your problems are “worse”

Do you need me to give you advice that you completely ignore?

Do you need me to just be there without you acknowledging my presence?

You see to you and so many other people I am already invisible

My voice is not heard and I am constantly being pushed away by people

Who say that they love me

You see actions speak much louder than words

What do I have to do to get you to hear me and to listen to the words I say?

Your words say I love you but your actions don’t reflect that

When I say I want to die

The question raised to me is why would you want to do that?

You see I have been made to feel as though I am insignificant

That I am not important

I should not speak up for what I believe in

I am a disrespectful person

And that

I am the problem

Tell me if you felt this way would you want to live?

Why when I ask people to give me a reason to live,

I either get the Bible thrown in my face

or

That it’s just selfish to take my own life as I will hurt those who love me

I feel like if I killed myself, a lot of people would feel like it’s their fault

So they need me to stay alive so they won’t feel guilty

It’s never been about me, always other people

I guess I’m lucky that I have found friends and an amazing therapist

Obviously they don’t want me to kill myself

But they make me feel like I matter

And that I am important

And not a problem

They give me reasons to live that isn’t for their personal benefit.

I get to be myself and work through my struggles with them

without feeling like I am a burden

They call me out when I am being dramatic

They call me out on my Bullshit when I am the one making things worse for myself

They do this out of love and not from a place a malice because they care

But still,

Why should I live?

Well I should live because I have realized that I want to

I want to live because I have a story that needs to be shared

And a voice that needs to be heard

There are days where I don’t want to keep going

But I know if I stop

My story won’t be told how I want it and my voice won’t be heard

I want to better my life for me

And the only way to do that is live

My story isn’t over yet,

It’s just barely started

Don’t Look Up

I’ve heard the phrase “Don’t look down” so many times that I’ve lost count. Most of the time it is associated with heights but I’ve always done the opposite when it comes to heights, I always look down.

Last night (June 9th) was my choir banquet and senior showcase. I decided that I wanted to do a solo as it will probably be my last time performing other than in our kids ministry at church. I sang the song ‘Your Song’ by Elton John and played my guitar instead of using an mp3 track or having someone else accompany me. The last few times I have done solos or performed in general I knew people were looking at me but I couldn’t see their faces and they were not 3 feet in front of me either.

So I started playing and singing and I got through the first verse. Then, I looked up. I looked up and saw faces of people staring at me and taking pictures and videos. My mind blanked and my fingers continued to play and I hoped that my brain would catch up and figure it out but the my fingers stopped. No music and no sounds from anyone. I laughed nervously and then thought I would just start again but I still could not remember the words or the chords. So I had the music with the chords in my guitar bag so I asked the parent that was our sound guy for the night for the music that was in the front of my bag. I looked at my choir teacher who was sitting right in the front and mouthed “should I just start over?” and of course he nodded yes. I’m so happy that my choir is such a supportive group because I probably would not have tried again.

So I started over and the main thing I did differently was, I didn’t look up. I got through it and people told me that I did great and they had never heard me sing and continued to compliment me. But even after I was finished, I still didn’t want to look up. I am not the person who walks with their head high and confident. I am the person who will sit alone on their phone at a party because I feel that they won’t see me and I will stay unnoticed. I don’t like being recognized for achievements or for the work that I do. Not because I’m overly humble, but because I simply don’t like the attention and most times I feel like I don’t deserve it. I can pretend to be confident and outgoing but it’s really a mask that I wear and a character that I play. I’m basically Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but on a much more mild level.

I was told that starting over is something that takes a lot of strength and guts but I don’t feel that way for me at all. I felt that was an expectation. I also felt that running off and hiding was not going to help anything either.

When I look up it means that I have to pretend that I am someone I am really not

When I look up it means making eye contact and having a conversation

When I look up it, it honestly scares me

Looking down it what is natural

Looking down means I often go unnoticed and fly under the radar

Looking down, makes me feel safe

When I look up, I often forget what I have to say (or sing in some cases)

Looking up gives me anxiety

Looking up forces me to know there is another face looking back at me

If I look down I can pretend there is no one around me

People think that when I look down I am going to miss what is happening around me, but that is only partially true. I often find myself being more in tune with my surroundings. I hear peoples conversations, I still see current events, I am fully aware and not missing anything unless it was purely all visual. Looking down allows me to pretend that things said to me aren’t actually directed towards me. If someone gives me a dirty look, I don’t have to see it, therefore it does not get to have an effect on me. If someone calls me a rude name I can ignore it more so than if they were to be making eye contact and saying it right to my face.

Keeping my head down is what I prefer to do because I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to be complimented. And I surely don’t want people to feel sorry for me because it makes me uncomfortable. Keeping my head down allows me to avoid all of this. Maybe one day walking around with my head high and walking confidently will no longer be an act/mask. But for now it will continue to be a mask or an act that I put on just to make it around other people. Sometimes it’s okay to look down, rather than looking up.

 

Who I Am.

I am the girl who sits in the middle of the class.

Not the front because that would draw attention.

Not the back because I would easily be ignored.

I am the girl who looks happy.

On the inside I’m angry.

And I’m also scared.

I am the girl who has scars all over her body.

Scars that were once open wounds I inflicted on myself.

Scars that remind me of all of the pain I’ve suffered.

I am the girl who is invisible.

My parents and friends never knew how much I was hurting.

Most of the time they didn’t know I was there.

I am the girl whose name means strong.

But most of the time I feel weak.

I let the negative things people told me destroy me.

I am the girl who is picking up the pieces.

I was shattered like glass.

Just so I could heal.

I am the girl who has been clean from self-harm for 8 months.

I still have blades that I could use if I wanted.

But I decided I was tired of being addicted to self-destruction.

I am the girl who has not been seriously suicidal for 4 months.

The thought still comes up here and there.

But I’ve learned how to find a reason to live for another day, week, month.

I am the girl who wants to feel beautiful.

But I feel dirty and ashamed.

Because of things that happened to me that were out of my control.

I am the girl who wants to be free

I want to heal

But mostly,

I want to find me