Forgiving someone is probably one of the hardest things to do. I’m not talking about accepting someone’s apology, but 100% forgiving them. It’s not a quick process it can take a while to fully forgive someone but its worth it.

Right now I want you to take a minute and think about someone who you have not fully forgiven. It could be a parent, a sibling, a friend, an abuser, someone who you saw at the store who was rude to you, etc., it could be anyone and as you read through this I want you to keep them in mind. Don’t continue to read until you have at least one person in mind or absolutely can’t think of anyone.

Right now I want to say that for EVERYONE forgiveness looks different. It’s also not a perfect science but finally doing it should make you feel better.

I watched a movie in 2009 called ‘Madea Goes to Jail’ and it has become one of my favorite movies. Not just because it was a funny movie, but because of one line that was said, “Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you.” I think this is the most important thing as to why forgiveness is so important. If you spend all of your time refusing to forgive someone you live your life being held down by that baggage. I understand that an abuser is probably going to be one of the hardest people to forgive but it is possible and it takes time. For me when I finally forgave I felt free and empowered. The process of going through the forgiving was not easy. I am the type of person who pushes down all of my negative feelings and I don’t deal with them. But going through the process of forgiveness forced me to deal with the anger and hurt and sadness that I felt surrounding the situation. There were times that I was just angry for absolutely no reason and I took it out on my mom. I’m so thankful that I have such an amazing mom because after things like that happened she just waited for me to chill out and then we talked about it. It took me probably about 2 years to finally forgive this person and everyday that this skeleton starts to creep up on me I have to tell my self that I forgave this person and I don’t have to be okay with what happened but it happened and I have to live the life that I have for now and not dwell on what happened.

So I am going to give the three steps that I used to forgive

  1. Acknowledging what happened and admitting that it was not my fault
  2. Talking to my therapist about what happened
  3. Saying out loud that I forgave this person

For step one acknowledging what happened was very important but admitting that it wasn’t my fault was hard. For this step if part of it was your fault you have to admit that. For those of you who were sexually abused you need to know what happened to you was not your fault.

For step two talking to my therapist was difficult because I had never told anyone about it so I was never able to work through it. Talking to someone who can help you work through it is crucial. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. For some people talking to the person who they need to forgive can help with the process. But if talking to that person puts you in any danger or you don’t feel comfortable doing it, DON’T DO IT. There are plenty of other people you can talk to, find a mentor, talk to a parent, someone you trust, but you have to talk about it.

For step three I said the person’s name out loud that I needed to forgive. But there are many ways to do this. Some people write out what happened and/or the person’s name and then burned the paper they wrote it on. Some people rip up the paper. Some people go up to the person and tell them that they forgive them. With step three it allows for that person you are forgiving to lose power over you and your happiness. Step three is the reason that forgiveness is worth it. You are no longer allowing for that person to have ANY control over you. YOU get to live YOUR life they way YOU want to. It’s empowering to feel in control again. You set yourself free with forgiveness.

Don’t rush the process of trying to forgive someone it takes time. Also these steps are the ones that I use and that work for me. Everyone is different and just because something worked for me does not mean that it is going to work for you, and that is completely okay. You are going to have to figure out what works and what doesn’t work for you and not get discouraged because one thing doesn’t work. You can do it!

If you need someone to reach out to feel free to send me a message to me on Facebook and I may not be able to help and if I can’t I will tell you and help you find someone who can. Keep going and keep living because you are worth it.

~”Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th.” Julie Andrews~